Lifetime Ban 2: The Revenge of the Fans
by Drew L
Summary: Sequel to Llifetime Ban. Of rabid fans and the Mad Bagginse
1. Prologue

LIFETIME BAN 2:  
  
THE REVENGE OF THE FANGIRLS AND BOYS  
  
PROLOGUE  
  
"Okay, keep them burning!" Beregond yelled as he went about his orders to burn all the copies of Bilbo's bestseller concerning the events of the attack on Rivendell by the rabid fans.  
  
"No! Stop! Please!" Bilbo cried as he watched the guards burn his precious book.  
  
"Sorry, little master, but I have orders from King Aragorn himself. I can't do anything but follow orders."  
  
"Hey, aren't you the rebel that killed to protect your beloved master Faramir?" Bilbo asked.  
  
"Yeah, so?"  
  
"So. Drop the rules and have mercy on an ld soul like myself." Bilbo begged.  
  
"No. I would rather face the old devil, Smaug than face King Aragorn with the news that I even let one of these copies survive." Beregond replied.  
  
"You'll pay, you'll all pay! I'll see t that. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!" Bilbo roared madly and ran off.  
  
"They'll pay, they'll all pay." Bilbo said to himself as he ran to the cities' library.  
  
"Now, let's see..." Bilbo said as he rummaged through the piles of books.  
  
"Ah' ha!" he yelled when he found the book he was looking for: "How to Summon Demons."  
  
Then, he found the spell he was looking for: "Summoning Fangirls and Boys."  
  
TO BE CONTINUED...BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID! 


	2. Of Balls and Party Crashers

CHPTER ONE:  
  
OF BALLS AND PARTY-CRASHERS  
  
"Oh, Aragorn, I think it is a wonderful idea to have "A Fellowship and All Others Involved Reunion Ball"." Arwen said as he told what he had planned.  
  
"Yes, I think so, too." He said, "And best of all, Celeborn thinks he will be able to keep Galadriel busy so she won't find out."  
  
"Good idea, too. You don't want her coming here, especially after our last meeting." Arwen said with a shudder.  
  
"The best part is, the ballroom is ready." Aragorn added.  
  
"Do they know?" Arwen asked.  
  
"No, it's a surprise." He answered.  
  
"When is it?" Arwen asked.  
  
"Whenever it is that they all arrive and get settled." Aragorn replied.  
  
They were interrupted by a knock at the door.  
  
"Your Majesty, all your guests have arrived." A servant called from other side of the door. He had learned the hard way not to barge in when the happy couple were not expecting visitors.  
  
"Oh, crap, we're not ready." Aragorn yelped, "Keep them busy!" He ordered the servant.  
  
"Yes, my lordship." The servant replied.  
  
Meanwhile, downstairs.  
  
"You'll find less cheer in a graveyard." Gimli said.  
  
"No joking?" Gangalf asked, sarcastically.  
  
"Goodness, this place is almost bigger than Thrainduil's palace." Frodo exclaimed as they entered the mainhall.  
  
He looked over to see Legolus giving him a death-stare.  
  
"I said, 'almost'." Frodo said, hastily.  
  
"No need to be hasty." Treebeard replied.  
  
"Oh, no. Who invited him?" Merry asked.  
  
"I did, fore I am Tom, Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadilo." Tom replied.  
  
"Ug, I can see this is going to be a long visit." Samwise said.  
  
The servant came down the stairs.  
  
"Alright, is everyone still here?" he asked, getting out a list, "Frodo, Samwise, Pippin, Merry, Legolus, Gimli, Elrond, Hildir, Boromir, Faramir, Gandalf, Sarumon, Eomor, Eowyn, King Theadin, Wormtongue, Lurtz, Gollum, Tom Bombadil, Treebeard, Goldberry, and..." The servant looked over the list again, "...Jack Sparrow and company?"  
  
"Captain Jack Sparrow, if you please." A man standing in the back said.  
  
"I thought that only people from Middle-Earth could come." Frodo said.  
  
"Don't look at me for answers, I found an invitation on my ship, The Black Pearl." Jack replied, proudly, expecting them to gasp at the sound its name. No such reaction came.  
  
"Having pirates like us is bad luck for parties." Mr. Gibbs (who else?) said.  
  
Jack walked to the front of the group of pirates and noticed Legolus.  
  
"Pardon me, but you look somewhat familiar." Jack said, "Have I threatened you before?"  
  
"I make it a point to avoid familiarity with pirates." Legolus replied.  
  
"Now that sounds familiar. Wonder where I heard that." Jack said, thinking hard.  
  
"Why do you move like Keith Richards?" Frodo asked.  
  
"I don't know." Jack replied.  
  
"What's with your hair?" Pippin asked, "It looks like you couldn't decide between rat-tales, braids, or just plain long hair."  
  
"I'm starting a new look, the author of this tale has already seen people mimicking my look."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Just then, a loud trumpet sounded.  
  
"The king approaches." The servant announced, loudly.  
  
Then, Aragorn walked casually down the stares.  
  
"I wish you idiots would stop doing that, it is really annoying." Aragorn said, quite annoyed.  
  
"Its our job and you never fired us." The servant and trumpeter replied.  
  
"Oh, that was my mistake. Well, your both fired." Aragorn said.  
  
"Oh, pwease don't fire us." They begged, batting their eyelashes at him.  
  
"EW! Don't do that! Guards sieve them." Aragorn yelled.  
  
"Boy, is he strict." Elrond said.  
  
"Now, getting down to business." Aragorn said, "As you all know, I have brought you here to make an to address you all."  
  
"Yeah, but why me?" Jack asked.  
  
"Because Arwen has something to say to you." Aragorn said, gesturing of his wife coming down the stairs.  
  
"Oh, Arwen!" Jack said, excited, "Its so good to see you again, I..." he was interrupted by a good slap in the face.  
  
"That's for not showing up in my closet back in Rivendell." She said.  
  
"Closet?" Elrond and Aragorn asked.  
  
"Well, I had to get action somehow with Aragorn away."  
  
"Sorry, but I on the way, I ran into Eowyn, such a lovely woman."  
  
"Which reminds me..." Eowyn said, as she walked up and slapped him, too.  
  
"Boy, that side of Jack's face must be going numb." Anna Maria said.  
  
"No, I feel all too much on this side." Jack replied, rubbing the side of his face that seems to be a woman's favorite target.  
  
"And I used to think James Bond a problem with his exes." Gimly said.  
  
"Anyway, getting down to business, I think we should all go into the ballroom." Aragorn said.  
  
"Closet." Aragorn added, under his breath.  
  
Meanwhile, back in Gondor's library.  
  
"They'll all pay." Bilbo said, "But I must be careful not to make the same mistake as the Lady of Light, otherwise, I'll be taken hostage, too."  
  
"Now, let's see...Oh, yes, here is clause for having a leader for the fans" Bilbo said, focusing on the spell.  
  
He began chanting in the black speech. In the commoon tongue, he said:  
  
"One fan to rule them all,  
One fan to find them,  
One fan to bring them all and into darkness bind them."  
  
He finished his chant and waited.  
  
They all wondered what the noble king was up to as he led them to the ballroom.  
  
"Sire!" a voice called from behind the line.  
  
"Yes." Aragorn said, turning to see who it was, "Beregond, good to see you."  
  
"We found where Bilbo is. He is in the study, but he has locked himself in." Beregond said.  
  
"Then let him stay in, he always does that, no matter where he is." Aragorn said.  
  
"Yes, but it sounds like he has a crowd in there with him."  
  
"So, he is always havig cocktail parties in the weirdest of places." Aragorn said.  
  
"Most of them sound like they're women." Beregond.  
  
"Oh, its bad luck to have a bunch of women in a library." Mr. Gibbs said.  
  
"Did your mother drop you or something, because you seem to have something personal against women." Anna Maria said.  
  
"No, but it was women who wound up accidentally getting Mr. Cotton's tongue cut out." Mr. Gibbs replied.  
  
"Dead man tell no tales." Mr. Cotton's parrot said.  
  
"I hate to say it, but I'm seeing the logic in it now." Eowyn said.  
  
"Here we are." Aragorn said, stopping in front of the door to the ballroom.  
  
"Why a ballroom, by the way?" Sarumon asked, suspiciously.  
  
"May I give some advice?" Wormtongue asked.  
  
"NO!" Gandalf and Theoden yelled in unison.  
  
"Come on in?" Aragorn said, opening the double-doors wide open.  
  
"Surprise!" a bunch of people inside the room.  
  
"It's a Fellowship Reunon Ball!" Aragorn announced.  
  
"Rum!" the pirates yelled upon seeing the beverages and stampeded over the people in front of them. 


	3. Announcement

ANNOUNCEMENT:  
  
Okay, I need the entire original crowd of fangirls and fanboys to state their names and be accounted for, please.  
  
Its too hard to weed through the reviews of part one. 


	4. The Fans Attack!

CHAPTER TWO:  
  
THE FANS ATTACK!  
  
"Yes, yes! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Bilbo shouted at the top of his lunged as the fans began appearing.  
  
"Hey, Bilbo!" Lizzy shouted, recognizing him. She lunged at him only to discover that he had an anti-fan spell protecting him.  
  
"I'm sure you all know why I have brought you here." Bilbo said them, "All your favorite Middle-Earth characters are having a reunion ball, and they didn't invite us!"  
  
The fans began crying.  
  
"Don't cry, get even. They drove you out of their lives before, are you going to stand for that?" Bilbo shouted.  
  
"NO!" the fans yelled.  
  
"You were cast out rather rudely. You were rejected." Bilbo added, "Now I say you take back what is your's!"  
  
"YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the fans cried, "We get our idols back!"  
  
"And now they have also invited Captain Jack Sparrow to the party, anybody wish to state their being a fan of his?" Bilbo asked.  
  
"Bilbo!" came Beregond's voice from the other side of the door, "You unlock this door right this instant!"  
  
"Why, certainly." Bilbo said, devilishly.  
  
He opened the door and said, "Any fans of Beregond here?"  
  
"YES! YES!" some of the fans shouted and ran at Beregond.  
  
"What?! No, no! Back, vile fans!" Beregond shouted, pulling his sword.  
  
Meanwhile, back at the party.  
  
"Rum! Rum!" the pirates shouted as they cornered the servants bringing out a new batch of the stuff.  
  
"Ar! You better be handin' it over!" Mr. Gibbs said as he approached one the servants.  
  
"Bloody pirates." Eowyn said as everyone else watched, "Don't you people believe in sharing?"  
  
"Not really."  
  
"You had to ask a dumb question, didn't you, sis." Eomor said.  
  
"Oh, shut up." She replied.  
  
"So, how did you come back from the dead to get here, Boromir?" Faramir asked.  
  
"Hey, this is a fantasy world, where the impossible is possible, where logic is senseless, and where nonsense is logical." Boromir replied.  
  
"Next time, use a few more analogies." Faramir said.  
  
"Sssstupid, nasssty brothersss." Gollum hissed, "You threat to kill us earlier. Then nasssty Hobbits destroy presciousss and usss."  
  
"You jumped in after the Ring." Frodo corrected.  
  
"No, good brothersss and Hobitsss, thisss ssspecial night, don't ruin for them." Smeogol argued.  
  
"You be quiet or have a timeout!" Gollum retorted.  
  
"FINE!!!!!" Smeogol replied and starting crying.  
  
"Sh, sh. Quiet, its okay..." Gollum said, trying to comfort him.  
  
"And I thought I was obsessed with treature." Jack Sparrow said.  
  
"Ah, pirates, my kind of people." Sarumon said, "I probably should have crossed Orks and Goblins over with real men like you, instead of the French."  
  
"HA! You're just a sore loser because you were stabbed in the back just you did to us." Gandalf said.  
  
"On my worst day, I could still kick your butt." Sarumon retorted.  
  
"You can't anymore."  
  
"Yeah, I know."  
  
"Pardon me, everyone!" Aragorn shouted, "But I wish to have a toast, so if you could quiet down a little."  
  
Everyone in the ballroom turned their attention to Aragorn.  
  
He held up a cut.  
  
"Here's all we have been through together." He said, "And here's to all our lifelong friendships, and...what is that noise?"  
  
Everyone listened to it. It shouted like shouting.  
  
It came nearer, and nearer.  
  
"That sort of yell sounds terribly familiar." Sarumon said.  
  
"Wait a moment, I know those screams." Jac Sparrow said, "Its fangirls and boys."  
  
"What! Here?" Frodo asked, "But how?"  
  
"Your majesty!" came a familiar voice from the distance.  
  
"Beregond?" Aragorn asked.  
  
"Yes, its me. Its fangirls and boys, they have me. Run while you still can!" Beregond's voice rang out again, "They have taken the armory and the supply shed. They took the entire army captive, too."  
  
"Fly, you fools." Gandalf shouted, "They are upon us."  
  
And sure enough, the fangirls and boys came climbing into the windows.  
  
"Aaaaaaaaaugh!!!" Mommy!" Pippin shrieked upon seeing them.  
  
"Everyone into a run in different directions.  
  
"I told you there was bad luck brewing. Cursed fangirls and boys, the moonlight shows them in their true form!" Mr. Ginns said to Jack.  
  
"Hey, look. Its Jack Sparrow!" one of the fangirls said upon seeing him.  
  
A bunch of others squealed in delight and began chasing him.  
  
"That's Captain Jack Sparrow, why is it so hard for people to say my entire title?" Jack said to them.  
  
"Leggy, Leggy, wait up. We want to catch you." The fans yelled as they chased Legolas.  
  
"No way. You're not braiding my hair again!" he said.  
  
"Keep him from saying 'savvy'." Nina shouted as she chased Pippin.  
  
"Savvy!" Jack yelled, testily.  
  
"That's it!" Nina shouted, putting on a Hockey mask and grabbing a chainsaw, "I'll show you! You're in my nightmare now! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"  
  
"You're a very wild bonnie-lass." Jack said to her, "Perhaps you have issues with pirates."  
  
"Come here." She yelled, starting the chainsaw.  
  
"No, no. Narsil don't fail me!" Aragorn said to his sword as he was slowly forced to back up against the wall, with him between the fans Arwen.  
  
"Give us Arwen." the fanboys demanded.  
  
"You shall not pass!" he yelled, taking fighting stance.  
  
"Aragorn, you can't beat us. We are fans, but now are even stronger thanks to Bilbo's spell." Said one of the fans.  
  
"Bilbo? I should have known! When I get my hands on him..." Aragorn started to say.  
  
"Not much chance of that." Bilbo said, entering the room, "Not as long as I have this book." He held up the book he used to summon them up.  
  
"You see, unlike Galadriel, I have taken extreme measures to make sure I am well protected from fan attacks. I am in charge here, not the fans. So, HA! And there's nothing in the world you can do about it." Bilbo sneered.  
  
"We'll see about that, I am the king of all Middle-Earth." Aragorn said, "Fans, remove this creature.  
  
They didn't respond to that.  
  
"Fine, then just go away." He shouted.  
  
"Sorry, we are bound to his employment." They said.  
  
"This can't be happening again, not after I just went through 18 months of mentle rehab to stop my eye-twitching." Frodo whined as he and Sam ran for their lives.  
  
"Don't say things like that, Mr. Frodo, it only makes it worse." Sam said.  
  
"How, I have psycho fans chasing me and my eye is twitching again?" Frodo replied.  
  
"NO, PLEASE, DON'T GIVE IN TO IT, NOT KNOW, MR. FRODO!!!!!!!!!" Sam pleaded.  
  
"Are you sure this is the way to the secret passage, Glorfindel?" Elrond asked his old friend.  
  
"No, but I'm sure there are more than that one in this big-ass place." Glorfindel replied.  
  
"Gandalf, are they following us?" Elrond asked, turning to the Istari.  
  
"Yes, they are upon us!" Gandalf said.  
  
He stopped and turned to face them, alone.  
  
"Gandalf, what are you doing." Elrond said.  
  
"Save yourself, I can hold them back." Gandalf answered.  
  
Glorfindel grabbed Elrond and they ran down the corridor together.  
  
The fans came around the corner and saw Gandalf, blocking their way.  
  
"You cannot pass." He roared to them.  
  
"And what makes you think you can stop us?" they asked.  
  
"If you take a step closer, you will see, "Gandalf: The Uncloaked"!" he threatened, reaching to undue his belt.  
  
The fans screamed in horror and ran away.  
  
"Merry, wait up! What are fangirls?" Pippin asked as he followed his cousin into Queen Arwen's dressing room.  
  
"You still haven't figured it out after all this time?" Merry said, exasperated.  
  
"No, why?" Pippin asked, "Why won't anyone answer me?"  
  
"Okay, I'll tell you." Merry said, "They are...what was that noise?"  
  
Suddenly, Boromir and Faramir jumped out from in between the rows of hangers.  
  
"Oh, my gosh! You both in drag!" Merry screamed in horror.  
  
"We know. We're doing this to disguise ourselves." Faramir said, "Boromir, does this one make me look fat?"  
  
"No, it actually flatters your complexion." Boromir replied.  
  
"Really? Well, that one brings out your hair color." Faramir told his brother.  
  
"Ick! You have both turned into women." Merry said, disgusted.  
  
"Legolas, do you see anything?" Gimli said, as his friend looked out into the hallway from their hiding place in a broom closet.  
  
"No, just more doors. Trust me, Gimli, we'll know if anyone is coming because castles are excellent for reverberating sound." Legolas replied.  
  
"What horrid fate has Aragorn met, I wonder. When I last saw him, he and Arwen were beinging cornered by the fans." Gimli said, more hushed now that he had new information on echoes in castles.  
  
"I don't want to think about it." Legolas replied, shutting the closet's door.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED...LOCK YOUR DOORS, SHUT YOUR WINDOWS, BECAUSE THE NEXT CHAPTER IS ON ITS WAY!!!!!! 


End file.
